No family is perfect. It’s all about relationships when we consider the reality of persons, even from an abstract philosophical point of view. Philosophically, to be a person means to be in relationship with others. The foundational relationship is with God, as believers clearly understand. And the first primary relationship with other people is with our parents. Is this why the first social commandment is to honor our parents, even if they are disasters in one or many aspects? Below, I will explain a little more about a man who broke the filial bond with his dad over a lesser issue. Sadly, many families suffer similarly. Let’s face this tough topic! It’s worth it! Since God is love and we are made in his image and likeness, relationships are top priority for us.  

Can we say that parents don’t need a commandment to love their children? Is this because it is deeply ingrained in their nature to cherish this relationship with their children, even at the cost of extreme sacrifice?  History is replete with stories of heroic parental love.

But some words slip out from God’s heart, as he knows that parental love can break down. Therefore, he says “even if a mother should forget her child, I will never forget you.” That ultimate foundational relationship will always be there for us. God is Immanuel, always with us. Even if we don’t see a commandment binding parents to love and honor their children, the burning pain that lasts for years and decades when parents tragically fail in their love for their children is no surprise. This speaks volumes about the foundational nature of this relationship for our whole intimate and social life.

Let’s consider children’s relationships with their parents. Can we allow political differences to break the bond of a child to parents? Recently I pondered such a case recounted by a man who severed his communication with his father. In fact, his story sparked this article for our Magdala Journal. We will treat just this aspect and leave aside many dimensions of such a complex, dynamic and sensitive sector for now.

Could we allow money to break our family ties? Could we allow the sickness of our parents to break that relationship? Could we allow potential damage to our comfort zone to break that affiliation? Besides power, property, prestige and pleasure, we could add politics, political opinion, philosophy, and even play and certainly peer pressure to the basic issues which can destroy relationships. We humans can recklessly sacrifice our most valuable relationships for much lesser values.

Harry Chapin’s lyrics “The cat’s in the cradle with the silver spoon” capture the longing of both sides of the parent-child desires for time together as well as their repeated frustration.  He underscores the painful generational impact.

The wonderful man I met had cut off communication with his father because of their exchanges about political viewpoints over major issues of conflict among other people far away from them, whose languages they did not speak. Undeniably, that conflict is serious. Many people all over the world are suffering its consequences and praying for its resolution. It is extremely hard to endure the horrible reports coming from these hostilities. But why should we let that angry and helpless feeling ruin the father-son relationship in a family thousands of miles away?  

Frequently, there is a fallout of cascading evil gushing forth from some conflicts which should not be allowed to undermine other relationships.  Undeniably we should be deeply concerned about issues which cause great suffering for other people. But we need to be smart enough to prevent such conflicts from wrecking our personal most sacred relationships. This damage would reveal our deep dysfunctionality.  

No matter how much we disagree with our parents on some issue, we cannot let this disagreement lead to so much bitterness and impatience that it strains our child-parent relationship to a breaking point and even beyond. If we find ourselves in such breakage, we should pray and work for restoration of a healthy relationship with our parents.

We need to let go of certain priorities of power, property, prestige and pleasure which can never replace our relationship with our parents. Even Jesus had a struggle with his earthly family in his private and public life. After the finding in the Temple, Luke reports he was obedient to them. On Calvary he reveals in his final words his deep question to his heavenly father: “Why have you abandoned me”, father? It’s a real struggle, but we know how it resolves: “into your hands I commend my spirit.” He already had this struggle in a most powerful way in Gethsemane just hours before: “Take this cup away from me, but not my will, thy will be done!”

There are many cases of extreme dereliction of parental duty which have caused immense ongoing pain. Sadly, parents might have alienated themselves from their children. But this relationship is so fundamental, it cries out powerfully for redemption. We must do everything in our ability to gradually recover family affinity. When certain bad experiences, even ones that lasted a long time break that rapport, horrific pain may require a distancing process which may still be ongoing. This fundamental disruption of life is really in a totally different category from this article’s concrete focus and requires in-depth and specific treatment. But even here we cannot definitively exclude hope for some recovery. Grace may even generate a complete resurrection experience. Family and friends can certainly pray for this even if the more damaged victim is still far away from such readiness.

On the other hand, many parents see a child stray far away, even into alienation from the family. Nevertheless, these wise parents keep up their good attitudes toward their children and keep the door open. The goodness which flows from God through these persevering parents allows the children to continue experiencing God’s goodness. It’s an ongoing gentle call home! Children might also need to open their hearts for their parents, despite bitter pain carried for a long time.  

Maybe we need to start with prayer. “He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents” Malachi 4: 5-6. But even before that, we might need to start with swallowing a bit of our pride to be able to request help from God for this renewal. It’s worth it! After all, an ancient proverb says that one person is worth more than the entire material universe. How we are blessed when we learn to agree to disagree, agreeably. Life is all about relationships, starting with parent-child bonds. The next fields of relationships involve siblings, the wider family, neighbors, schools, and eventually the whole wide world.  

No matter how miserably some concrete relationships have evolved, forgiveness and eventual reconciliation are always on the horizon, whether near or distant, because God is love and he “gathers up all our tears in his bottle” Ps 56:8. Our hope for restoring family rapport and renewing the ties of kith and kin will not disappoint!  

Maybe this is why Jesus’ final prayer at the last supper requested the Father’s help that we, his disciples, all be one, Jn 17: 20-23. Otherwise, the world will not come to know the relationship we have with the Father through the Son whom he sent for us and for our salvation. This prayer request for oneness is first practiced inside our very own families. Knowing that the Father and Jesus are standing with us on the side of our oneness injects needed confidence into our renewed efforts to strengthen our family bonds. Children raised with such skills and wisdom will be well equipped to help bridge many other divides in societies around the world.  

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Jawdat Badarne

Steward

“People speak well and don’t get into conflicts. We all enjoy good attitudes and cooperation.”

Jawdat Badarne’s family are longtime residents of Kafar Arabi, about 35 Km from Magdala with a population of 30,000, approximately. His father, Mohammed, has a small construction business and also coaches soccer teams while his mother is a  primary school teacher in their village. His uncles include a doctor and a Hollywood actor. He is blessed with a twin sister and two brothers, one a doctor specialized in psychology and the other works in the construction business. His doctor uncle married a Greek woman and their children were raised Christian.  

Jawdat married a Bedouin girl and their daughter already studies medicine in Jerusalem. Their ten-year old boy, Mohammed, excels at soccer and goes to a special soccer school in Haifa.  

Jawdat’s work dedication impresses all who know him in Magdala. A Jewish employee and former colleague encouraged him to come and work with us. He has spent twenty six years working in hotels since he finished school, five of them as a manager in the Leonardo Plaza in Tiberias. He is proud to share his Housekeeping Manager certificate from Tel Aviv, co-signed by David Fattal, who founded  the homonymous hotel chain, Israel’s largest, after starting in the business as a waiter and a bell boy! 

Jawdat loves working in Magdala. He calls it a ‘Bayit ham’, a warm home. “People speak well and don’t get into conflicts. We all enjoy good attitudes and cooperation.” His wish is to work here longterm and develop his managerial talents.